Come at it from a different angle
...from one viewpoint, you could say that we are important like the sun, providing light and warmth for distances unmeasurable by the conscious mind. Without us, there are no gardens and the void swallows life in this little corner of the 'verse.
Of course, if we are the sun, we are also destroying ourselves and each other in a nuclear reaction that reduces everything to the void, eventually. So do you want to burn with me a little longer?
To burn, to feel the ripping lines of heat as they melt my skin to itself in scars, to stand in the flame and defy the suffering the pleasure of making me move...that is what you're offering me. And the hardest part is...that's what you're offering you too.
If it was just me dying for you to go on unscathed, I'd be tempted. But it turns out you've lured others into this fire, and as I look back at the ashen or still glowing embers that remain of what I've tried to make a beacon of light and love, I realize that the path we blazed is a path we razed. I look down where my hands used to be and find claws, and I wish the red-brown on them was cooled magma.
I'm just the bait until I'm a weapon, and waking up to that reality is something I would rather forego for the rest of forever. I'm light, and I'm a lot of it, and yeah when you focus it through a magnet I'll laser straight through just about anything. Yeah I'm pressure-forged carbon, and I'm indestructible.
I had wanted to use that strength to empower others and protect those that need it, but when I loaned it to you? You used it to deceive them, craft an illusion of reality by way of refracting my rainbow hues. Why would I ever give that to you again?
And that's just what you did with my shine, the sun-shine that comes from every star without a broken heart. Never mind the silencing of my voice, shunning of my sparkle.
"Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not.
You're only sorry you got caught.
Well you put on quite a show...
But it's over now."
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Would you read this story?
ISO: Soul
Oh hello. Please come in. Sit down, but don't look at the plants. Yes, your qualifications are all in order. You seem to have been homeless for quite some time.
Unfinished business? Ah yes. We have an opening in a writer. Do be delicate; our records indicate some damage to the psyche the last time you had access. I understand your records ought to be sealed, sir, but I'm afraid that the level of clearance merited our interest in your past.
No, good behavior for a century does not erase a past mistake. It simply give us hope that you have learned temperance and will succeed this go-round.
That's very well and good, sir, but not what we are here to discuss. If you distract from the focus again, I would be happy to give you more time to work on patience.
Very well, then. The vessel has some...quirks. She doesn't know her role yet; a rogue missive interrupted her journey. We've asked you here because it will take more than a gentle nudge. Mind you, this is not a vessel we can lose, so you've got one chance.
I like your confidence. Here's her file, complete with the failures of other operatives. I'll see you at 4:16am, sharp.
Oh, and Lu? You see this one through and you'll be free.
Oh hello. Please come in. Sit down, but don't look at the plants. Yes, your qualifications are all in order. You seem to have been homeless for quite some time.
Unfinished business? Ah yes. We have an opening in a writer. Do be delicate; our records indicate some damage to the psyche the last time you had access. I understand your records ought to be sealed, sir, but I'm afraid that the level of clearance merited our interest in your past.
No, good behavior for a century does not erase a past mistake. It simply give us hope that you have learned temperance and will succeed this go-round.
That's very well and good, sir, but not what we are here to discuss. If you distract from the focus again, I would be happy to give you more time to work on patience.
Very well, then. The vessel has some...quirks. She doesn't know her role yet; a rogue missive interrupted her journey. We've asked you here because it will take more than a gentle nudge. Mind you, this is not a vessel we can lose, so you've got one chance.
I like your confidence. Here's her file, complete with the failures of other operatives. I'll see you at 4:16am, sharp.
Oh, and Lu? You see this one through and you'll be free.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Making Reality
Context:
just finished watching The Greatest Showman.
I could watch it over again, right now, just to let the messages sink in...
Dream BIG.
No, bigger than that.
"Make it bigger; make it louder."
Makes me miss someone.
And what of my dreams? Finally, I am well. Finally, I am functional, capable, supported.
It seems that mental health comes with a solid dose of serious reality. I'm not sure how to find the balance.
Dream! But not too much. Fly! But not too far. The boundaries of reality have become mental bars that I need to stretch into musical bars so they can carry my song on the breeze, on the ashes of a dead phoenix dying to bring the world one last message of beauty and hope.
What impossible thing do you believe in?
If the answer is nothing, my friend, I must regret to inform you that you are neglecting a crucial part of yourself.
Apparently my imagination has been so stuffed into a corner of itself (which is lovely when clever bags can do that and convert easily from tiny little puts into large bags of holding) that it drove me to stay up and write this evening. Something has been neglected.
I'm a dreamer. It's what I'm truly good at. I'm working really hard on being a DOer, someone whose actions reflect their goals, but imagining beautiful futures is something I have a knack for.
Also, I can turn your weakness into a superpower.
My oh my do I love words. They can craft a dinghy into a full-blown submarine.
Did P.T. Barnum lie? Yes, I suppose he did. Yet the joy and wonder he created, the smiles and the sheer amazement of it all...that was real enough.
On a different note, I learned that ashes can be turned into a strong road base today.
Back on topic. My dreams...what am I working for? Why? Is there a who?
A house, with
-too many bedrooms
-too many bathrooms
-underground tunnels that lead to dwarf mines
-the space for everyone I love to be under one roof
-basically the same layout as the Sim house I made with HW when I was actually shorter than I am now
-love
-lots of animals
I just want to have it all so I can give it away.
A barn
-to facilitate riding for every little girl who wants to ride a pony
-to provide a great place to run away and think when you need it
-to give others a place of healing
And I have children entrusted to me right now, and I feel that there are more coming into my life, and I want desperately to pass on this *thing* I have inside me that helps me believe that I am MORE than just the sum of my days, MORE than stardust in a skin suit, that I am capable of changing and shifting reality to suit what *must* happen.
But that? That sounds crazy.
...Dream big anyway, right?
I don't know where my dreams are leading. Things are so fantastically pleasant right now. I found a home. I am making it mine. I found Love. I found many, many loves. I found support and family. The best things in life are right here in front of me- so what am I working for?
I want to say something lofty, like "the future happiness of humanity."
You know what? I actually believe that I make the world a better place, even if it's just by THIS much. Even if, in all of the infinite-ness of space and time, the only amount of difference is the space between the T and the S in that word...it will have been worth it. Even if, at the end of Everything, my work and time and effort mean nothing, it's worth it. I have to answer to myself in my own mind at the end of the day.
Here's to signing my name at the end of each day, like a contract that I'm making with Time.
"Thank you for the minutes. This is what I've done with them." If only Time were not so fair. She gives the same time to everyone. No one has to deserve it or earn it. We all get the same deposit in our daily minute fund. I know some of my days, I felt I deserved overtime. Other days...I squandered the gift. I suppose it's best that She is fair...the same time to all.
Thankful that some days, I'm able to stretch out the minutes to include everything I need. Thankful that some days, the day goes by fast.
just finished watching The Greatest Showman.
I could watch it over again, right now, just to let the messages sink in...
Dream BIG.
No, bigger than that.
"Make it bigger; make it louder."
Makes me miss someone.
And what of my dreams? Finally, I am well. Finally, I am functional, capable, supported.
It seems that mental health comes with a solid dose of serious reality. I'm not sure how to find the balance.
Dream! But not too much. Fly! But not too far. The boundaries of reality have become mental bars that I need to stretch into musical bars so they can carry my song on the breeze, on the ashes of a dead phoenix dying to bring the world one last message of beauty and hope.
What impossible thing do you believe in?
If the answer is nothing, my friend, I must regret to inform you that you are neglecting a crucial part of yourself.
Apparently my imagination has been so stuffed into a corner of itself (which is lovely when clever bags can do that and convert easily from tiny little puts into large bags of holding) that it drove me to stay up and write this evening. Something has been neglected.
I'm a dreamer. It's what I'm truly good at. I'm working really hard on being a DOer, someone whose actions reflect their goals, but imagining beautiful futures is something I have a knack for.
Also, I can turn your weakness into a superpower.
My oh my do I love words. They can craft a dinghy into a full-blown submarine.
Did P.T. Barnum lie? Yes, I suppose he did. Yet the joy and wonder he created, the smiles and the sheer amazement of it all...that was real enough.
On a different note, I learned that ashes can be turned into a strong road base today.
Back on topic. My dreams...what am I working for? Why? Is there a who?
A house, with
-too many bedrooms
-too many bathrooms
-underground tunnels that lead to dwarf mines
-the space for everyone I love to be under one roof
-basically the same layout as the Sim house I made with HW when I was actually shorter than I am now
-love
-lots of animals
I just want to have it all so I can give it away.
A barn
-to facilitate riding for every little girl who wants to ride a pony
-to provide a great place to run away and think when you need it
-to give others a place of healing
And I have children entrusted to me right now, and I feel that there are more coming into my life, and I want desperately to pass on this *thing* I have inside me that helps me believe that I am MORE than just the sum of my days, MORE than stardust in a skin suit, that I am capable of changing and shifting reality to suit what *must* happen.
But that? That sounds crazy.
...Dream big anyway, right?
I don't know where my dreams are leading. Things are so fantastically pleasant right now. I found a home. I am making it mine. I found Love. I found many, many loves. I found support and family. The best things in life are right here in front of me- so what am I working for?
I want to say something lofty, like "the future happiness of humanity."
You know what? I actually believe that I make the world a better place, even if it's just by THIS much. Even if, in all of the infinite-ness of space and time, the only amount of difference is the space between the T and the S in that word...it will have been worth it. Even if, at the end of Everything, my work and time and effort mean nothing, it's worth it. I have to answer to myself in my own mind at the end of the day.
Here's to signing my name at the end of each day, like a contract that I'm making with Time.
"Thank you for the minutes. This is what I've done with them." If only Time were not so fair. She gives the same time to everyone. No one has to deserve it or earn it. We all get the same deposit in our daily minute fund. I know some of my days, I felt I deserved overtime. Other days...I squandered the gift. I suppose it's best that She is fair...the same time to all.
Thankful that some days, I'm able to stretch out the minutes to include everything I need. Thankful that some days, the day goes by fast.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Just Write it Down
The chronicles of my life even from just my perspective are overwhelming at best.
I've seen myself through countless tragedies and victories.
And I've found another battle to fight.
You'd think, after years of therapy and counseling and working through my issues that I would have found them all. It feels like betrayal on a grand scale to have one jump up and bite my face now. And yet, a new trigger has been found.
It takes me back to something so entirely harmless that it ignites the fears and anxieties I developed over years of memory loss. If I remember this thing, this one random thing that seems to have no significance- a classroom from freshman year with desks designed for individual use, where the chairs and table bits are connected, a flash of a picture I drew and colored, and a moment of remembrance from the textbook I read for that class.
And whatever it is put me in a state for longer than I care to admit but here we are anyway.
I write it down. I survive and I write it down. I find solutions and I survive and I write it down.
I have built up a mentality of abundance and I will not let this stop me...but I am definitely bulking up my adventuring party. Who's gonna be my healer?
I've seen myself through countless tragedies and victories.
And I've found another battle to fight.
You'd think, after years of therapy and counseling and working through my issues that I would have found them all. It feels like betrayal on a grand scale to have one jump up and bite my face now. And yet, a new trigger has been found.
It takes me back to something so entirely harmless that it ignites the fears and anxieties I developed over years of memory loss. If I remember this thing, this one random thing that seems to have no significance- a classroom from freshman year with desks designed for individual use, where the chairs and table bits are connected, a flash of a picture I drew and colored, and a moment of remembrance from the textbook I read for that class.
And whatever it is put me in a state for longer than I care to admit but here we are anyway.
I write it down. I survive and I write it down. I find solutions and I survive and I write it down.
I have built up a mentality of abundance and I will not let this stop me...but I am definitely bulking up my adventuring party. Who's gonna be my healer?
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
Merry December
Last week was hard.
I had to re-evaluate so much of what I believed, both about myself and about the outside world. I don't like that what-so-ever.
So I write. I create. I dream and plan, and I envision the world as I want it to be, and then I figure out how to be the unicorn I want to see in the world.
I need to write more, so I'm challenging myself to at LEAST one blog post every week. Sometimes they'll be inspired. Often they won't be, but I told my students that writing every day is the ONLY way to get better at writing. I'm taking my own advice.
10 minute writing prompt (FULL DISCLOSURE: stolen from http://blog.ed.ted.com/2015/11/17/21-fun-things-to-write-about-in-10-minutes-or-less/)
Write the ad for an expensive new drug that improves bad posture. Now, list the possible side effects.
Response:
STRAYTERAN - the new posture aid that keeps improves your confidence, your health, and your interview prospects! Tests have shown a drastic increase in the oxygen flow through your body when you sit correctly, and you don't even have to be conscious of your body for it to work! Simply take one in the morning, and you're covered for all day!
Big presentation coming up at work? Don't stress- Strayteran is here for you! With a little chemical assistance, your posture will scream confidence! The alignment of your spine will also trigger all kinds of happy-making feelings in your brain as well, so you will not only appear more confident but you'll feel it too!
**(At this point in writing the ad, I realize that advertisements tend to have absolutely horrid sentence structure. I wonder what the research was that started all that, but not enough to look it up.)**
Side effects may include: dizziness, wheezing, loss of vision, severe brain trauma, calcified nodules in your left elbow, and death. Do not take Strayteran if you are pregnant or may become pregnant. Talk with your doctor about whether Strayteran is right for you!!
........
Well that was awful, but it's done.
I had to re-evaluate so much of what I believed, both about myself and about the outside world. I don't like that what-so-ever.
So I write. I create. I dream and plan, and I envision the world as I want it to be, and then I figure out how to be the unicorn I want to see in the world.
I need to write more, so I'm challenging myself to at LEAST one blog post every week. Sometimes they'll be inspired. Often they won't be, but I told my students that writing every day is the ONLY way to get better at writing. I'm taking my own advice.
10 minute writing prompt (FULL DISCLOSURE: stolen from http://blog.ed.ted.com/2015/11/17/21-fun-things-to-write-about-in-10-minutes-or-less/)
Write the ad for an expensive new drug that improves bad posture. Now, list the possible side effects.
Response:
STRAYTERAN - the new posture aid that keeps improves your confidence, your health, and your interview prospects! Tests have shown a drastic increase in the oxygen flow through your body when you sit correctly, and you don't even have to be conscious of your body for it to work! Simply take one in the morning, and you're covered for all day!
Big presentation coming up at work? Don't stress- Strayteran is here for you! With a little chemical assistance, your posture will scream confidence! The alignment of your spine will also trigger all kinds of happy-making feelings in your brain as well, so you will not only appear more confident but you'll feel it too!
**(At this point in writing the ad, I realize that advertisements tend to have absolutely horrid sentence structure. I wonder what the research was that started all that, but not enough to look it up.)**
Side effects may include: dizziness, wheezing, loss of vision, severe brain trauma, calcified nodules in your left elbow, and death. Do not take Strayteran if you are pregnant or may become pregnant. Talk with your doctor about whether Strayteran is right for you!!
........
Well that was awful, but it's done.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Let me tell you about...
Let me tell you about
being Loved
about
how you get stronger
how you rise up
how you can do more
about
roses because you deserve them
notes because she knows you need them
kisses because he knows otherwise you will wake up worried that he's not there
about
feeling the chasm between you and adversity
feeding the dreams you never told anyone else
flying, untethered, to the heights that Icarus never dared...
and coming home to nest safely where they never clip your wings.
about
silence and quickened heartbeats right before you ask for what you want, knowing that all you need to do is ask and be brave and let the words fall out of your mouth and your requests will be met joyfully.
laughter and smiles and the way you look at me when I glow
stories I tell about fruit tarts being my favorite and how they magically appear in the fridge.
about
feeling heard
feeling seen
feeling loved
about
the moment she pops in your mind and all you can do is smile
the sound your phone makes when he sends you a message
the support so thick that it blocks out hardship
about
how you grow
how you stretch
how you can do anything
Let me tell you about the real deal love.
being Loved
about
how you get stronger
how you rise up
how you can do more
about
roses because you deserve them
notes because she knows you need them
kisses because he knows otherwise you will wake up worried that he's not there
about
feeling the chasm between you and adversity
feeding the dreams you never told anyone else
flying, untethered, to the heights that Icarus never dared...
and coming home to nest safely where they never clip your wings.
about
silence and quickened heartbeats right before you ask for what you want, knowing that all you need to do is ask and be brave and let the words fall out of your mouth and your requests will be met joyfully.
laughter and smiles and the way you look at me when I glow
stories I tell about fruit tarts being my favorite and how they magically appear in the fridge.
about
feeling heard
feeling seen
feeling loved
about
the moment she pops in your mind and all you can do is smile
the sound your phone makes when he sends you a message
the support so thick that it blocks out hardship
about
how you grow
how you stretch
how you can do anything
Let me tell you about the real deal love.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Suffering
I would rather
hurt
than live without
understanding
Part of me wanted
-curious-
to know...
So I never
asked
for an end,
just wisdom
Even if it needed
payment in blood.
hurt
than live without
understanding
Part of me wanted
-curious-
to know...
So I never
asked
for an end,
just wisdom
Even if it needed
payment in blood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)