Because sometimes it just spills out of you like you're overflowing with words and thoughts and even though they never feel like they are enough, they are something and that's more than the chaos that drove you, deep inside your self-dictionary, to find a new meaning.
And these are the words that started it all: existentially fraught free throws. If you've ever read The Fault In Our Stars, you will remember those fateful words. Or perhaps those words just signaled that a brand new chapter was about to begin. The next few blog posts are the result of the tumbling chaos inside my mind and my feeble attempt to deal with them while listening to musicals and acapella groups do renditions of classic songs. This is me, losing my mind. This is me, chronicling the spiral into madness that is finally short-circuited by those beautiful words that made me change my life, probably forever. Because I finally opened a door that I had kept very locked (very locked is when you add extra locks, deadbolts, and perhaps even screw the door shut so the memory ghosts can't get out and haunt you), and while my brain did not seem to be any less like madness, it was far, far more beautiful.
I should tell you, I'm Disaster
But that could change; I'm also Delight.
You and I have fallen prey to the notion
That the laws of physics are limits-
but I'm ready to defy gravity.
Which is when I started obsessively counting sparkles on my bracelet.
And now I'm crying, gently feeling the paper under my fingertips and marveling at its smoothness. So strange. I'm beginning to doubt my ability to do this very sincerely.
And that's when I realized I might not be cut out for the job I was doing. But really, I'm just not equipped to endure any more sections of a lifetime without the one person who ought to be there, in every fateful sense of the word. It's not like destiny or fate, though. More like the Deep Magic, and as I realize how many times I have quoted Puddleglum to myself in the past month, I feel more
Narnian than ever.
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