Brain Transplant
...and now he (or she)
lives inside me?
whoever that Other person
Was
went through conflictcombatwar
Because now I must know
how many exits?
How do I protect
Those I love.
Which war did I fight?
I can't remember
So they must have succeeded
Someone else inside me.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sometimes angels don't believe in god
Last night, I had a horrible migraine.
Pain is so scary. I'm not scared of anything, but as soon as pain takes over my brain, I'm not there to be not scared.
I had a splitting headache. I was quietly letting the tears run down my face, breathing deeply so I wouldn't cry (my mother always told me crying made a headache worse, and she's right), trying to decide what to do.
When I'm in pain, I freeze. My body stops producing heat. You can pile thousands of blankets (just short of suffocating me) on my body and I will still be cold. Why?
Because when you insulate cold, it doesn't get warmer. Example: refrigerators. Feeling like a refrigerator = insanity. Why?
Because I'm not a refrigerator. I'm a person. I'm supposed to produce heat...body heat. It's something normal humans do. And once I can't do that, I feel insane. I'm offered blankets and I politely decline, knowing that it will only make me colder. Which doesn't make any sense, I know. Cognitively, I'm aware that common sense and my writing are occasionally dissonant and I would try to apologize for it if I could. But I can't. This is my realityinsanity.
I hate taking drugs. They scare me. They cause new kinds of insanity and pain.
'sides they don't work for me anyway.
But last night, I said to myself "Doing nothing isn't working. I have to try something."
So I took 800mg of ibuprofen and some sleep meds, after much insistence from my beloved. And the tears kept coming. And he held me close to him so I wouldn't freeze. He offered more blankets. He listened while I cried, or talked, or told him how scary the pain was, not knowing when it would go away and dreading that it would last for weeks or months or ever.
The best part of last night? He didn't try to fix me. He didn't try to solve me. He didn't try to diagnose me. He didn't run away from my reality. He didn't accuse me of wrongdoing. He didn't treat me like an alien. He wasn't afraid to touch me, talk to me, or interact like we usually do.
He stayed. He held. He listened.
He was, for probably an hour, exactly what I needed. He helped stop the pain cycle in its tracks. Instead of not-sleeping because of pain, which then causes extra-exhaustion + pain later, I slept.
I woke up slowly. I moved slowly. But there was no more headache, and I was still there. I still existed! The sun rose and I marked the day as a triumph over pain.
So thank you, my beloved, for just saying "it might help." Not insisting it would help, just suggesting that it might. I'm so scared to take anything anymore; it is an irrational fear now.
So don't give up. Try something new. It might help. Yoga. Meditation. Buy a horse (that was my solution- they are magical!). Acupuncture. Massage. Look at how other parts of the world deal with these problems. Find your own answers.
Pain is so scary. I'm not scared of anything, but as soon as pain takes over my brain, I'm not there to be not scared.
I had a splitting headache. I was quietly letting the tears run down my face, breathing deeply so I wouldn't cry (my mother always told me crying made a headache worse, and she's right), trying to decide what to do.
When I'm in pain, I freeze. My body stops producing heat. You can pile thousands of blankets (just short of suffocating me) on my body and I will still be cold. Why?
Because when you insulate cold, it doesn't get warmer. Example: refrigerators. Feeling like a refrigerator = insanity. Why?
Because I'm not a refrigerator. I'm a person. I'm supposed to produce heat...body heat. It's something normal humans do. And once I can't do that, I feel insane. I'm offered blankets and I politely decline, knowing that it will only make me colder. Which doesn't make any sense, I know. Cognitively, I'm aware that common sense and my writing are occasionally dissonant and I would try to apologize for it if I could. But I can't. This is my realityinsanity.
I hate taking drugs. They scare me. They cause new kinds of insanity and pain.
'sides they don't work for me anyway.
But last night, I said to myself "Doing nothing isn't working. I have to try something."
So I took 800mg of ibuprofen and some sleep meds, after much insistence from my beloved. And the tears kept coming. And he held me close to him so I wouldn't freeze. He offered more blankets. He listened while I cried, or talked, or told him how scary the pain was, not knowing when it would go away and dreading that it would last for weeks or months or ever.
The best part of last night? He didn't try to fix me. He didn't try to solve me. He didn't try to diagnose me. He didn't run away from my reality. He didn't accuse me of wrongdoing. He didn't treat me like an alien. He wasn't afraid to touch me, talk to me, or interact like we usually do.
He stayed. He held. He listened.
He was, for probably an hour, exactly what I needed. He helped stop the pain cycle in its tracks. Instead of not-sleeping because of pain, which then causes extra-exhaustion + pain later, I slept.
I woke up slowly. I moved slowly. But there was no more headache, and I was still there. I still existed! The sun rose and I marked the day as a triumph over pain.
So thank you, my beloved, for just saying "it might help." Not insisting it would help, just suggesting that it might. I'm so scared to take anything anymore; it is an irrational fear now.
So don't give up. Try something new. It might help. Yoga. Meditation. Buy a horse (that was my solution- they are magical!). Acupuncture. Massage. Look at how other parts of the world deal with these problems. Find your own answers.
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