Making Reality

Context:
just finished watching The Greatest Showman.

I could watch it over again, right now, just to let the messages sink in...

Dream BIG.

No, bigger than that.

"Make it bigger; make it louder."

Makes me miss someone.

And what of my dreams? Finally, I am well. Finally, I am functional, capable, supported.

It seems that mental health comes with a solid dose of serious reality. I'm not sure how to find the balance.

Dream! But not too much. Fly! But not too far. The boundaries of reality have become mental bars that I need to stretch into musical bars so they can carry my song on the breeze, on the ashes of a dead phoenix dying to bring the world one last message of beauty and hope.

What impossible thing do you believe in?

If the answer is nothing, my friend, I must regret to inform you that you are neglecting a crucial part of yourself.

Apparently my imagination has been so stuffed into a corner of itself (which is lovely when clever bags can do that and convert easily from tiny little puts into large bags of holding) that it drove me to stay up and write this evening. Something has been neglected.

I'm a dreamer. It's what I'm truly good at. I'm working really hard on being a DOer, someone whose actions reflect their goals, but imagining beautiful futures is something I have a knack for.

Also, I can turn your weakness into a superpower.

My oh my do I love words. They can craft a dinghy into a full-blown submarine.

Did P.T. Barnum lie? Yes, I suppose he did. Yet the joy and wonder he created, the smiles and the sheer amazement of it all...that was real enough.



On a different note, I learned that ashes can be turned into a strong road base today.


Back on topic. My dreams...what am I working for? Why? Is there a who?

A house, with
-too many bedrooms
-too many bathrooms
-underground tunnels that lead to dwarf mines
-the space for everyone I love to be under one roof
-basically the same layout as the Sim house I made with HW when I was actually shorter than I am now
-love
-lots of animals

I just want to have it all so I can give it away.

A barn
-to facilitate riding for every little girl who wants to ride a pony
-to provide a great place to run away and think when you need it
-to give others a place of healing

And I have children entrusted to me right now, and I feel that there are more coming into my life, and I want desperately to pass on this *thing* I have inside me that helps me believe that I am MORE than just the sum of my days, MORE than stardust in a skin suit, that I am capable of changing and shifting reality to suit what *must* happen.

But that? That sounds crazy.


...Dream big anyway, right?

I don't know where my dreams are leading. Things are so fantastically pleasant right now. I found a home. I am making it mine. I found Love. I found many, many loves. I found support and family. The best things in life are right here in front of me- so what am I working for?

I want to say something lofty, like "the future happiness of humanity."

You know what? I actually believe that I make the world a better place, even if it's just by THIS much. Even if, in all of the infinite-ness of space and time, the only amount of difference is the space between the T and the S in that word...it will have been worth it. Even if, at the end of Everything, my work and time and effort mean nothing, it's worth it. I have to answer to myself in my own mind at the end of the day.

Here's to signing my name at the end of each day, like a contract that I'm making with Time.

"Thank you for the minutes. This is what I've done with them." If only Time were not so fair. She gives the same time to everyone. No one has to deserve it or earn it. We all get the same deposit in our daily minute fund. I know some of my days, I felt I deserved overtime. Other days...I squandered the gift. I suppose it's best that She is fair...the same time to all.

Thankful that some days, I'm able to stretch out the minutes to include everything I need. Thankful that some days, the day goes by fast.